SamTastic Weekly Tip: 1/13/25 - Use one sentence to move an argument to a discussion.

This week’s tip: Use one sentence to move an argument to a discussion.

School leaders have friends and potential friends.  They can’t afford to have enemies as this limits the leader’s ability to best serve students.

An article published online by Upworthy, offer one sentence to use when things become heated: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

This is a good approach.  It offers an opportunity to find points of agreement and to move forward in a positive manner. You will find the article below.

The suggested approach is good, but it is somewhat simplistic as it ignores how challenging it can be for a school leader when viewpoints differ radically and push against values we teach in school. 

NSIP commissioned The Change Leadership Collaborative to develop a toolkit school leaders can use when viewpoints differ.  The toolkit will be provided to all conference attendees this week in Miami.  Next week, we will send all SAM teams a link to download the toolkit.  Additionally, we are making it available at no charge nationally via our website and social media.

Leading Successfully When Viewpoints Differ: A Set of 20-Minute Tools, was developed by the Change Leadership Collaborative.  Special thanks to authors Jody Spiro, Lucas Bernays Held, Aliesha Eleusizov and Carl-Anthony Watson.

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I am in Miami today getting ready for the conference this week.  This looks to be our best conference ever.  As always, we will record keynote sessions in HD video and make them available on our website.

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Conflict experts share the 1 sentence that can stop an argument before things get heated

Here's how to shut it down before it starts.

Tod Perry  Upworthy, 1.04.25

Has getting into a heated argument with your significant other, a coworker, or a child ever solved anything? Probably not. Heated arguments often lead people down the dark path of personal attacks, animosity, and getting so riled up that they stop making sense altogether. However, conflict is a natural and healthy part of our daily lives, so it can be very productive when we know how to have productive disagreements.

"If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink,” organizational psychologist Adam Grant said, according to Psychology Today. “We’re at our most imaginative when we’re out of sync." So the big question is, how do we prevent heated arguments from happening and steer them to more productive territory instead?

How to stop an argument from happening

A group of researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that it’s essential for people to create a safe environment to have a discussion, and the key to doing so is to ask open-ended questions that lead to points of agreement. Specifically, the researchers say to use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel concerned” when expressing yourself during the disagreement. But the best phrase is one that clearly directs the discussion toward agreement.

The best way to stop an argument is with the phrase: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

There are 3 big reasons why the phrase is so effective at stopping arguments from happening. First, the phrase immediately changes the mindset of both people from the areas where they disagree to one of agreement. We are no longer arguing about why we like or don’t like pineapple on pizza. Instead, we’re not focusing on the toppings we enjoy, such as pepperoni or black olives. The person we disagree with is no longer an enemy but a collaborator.

Another big reason “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on” is such an effective phrase because it extinguishes the other person’s anger. When we search for a way to agree, we suddenly become an unappealing target for the other person’s rage.

Finally, this phase makes you the good guy in the disagreement because you are looking for a positive solution. You’ve just taken a right turn onto the high road and have become the rational party in the conversation. This tactic is especially effective when a third party, such as a boss or sibling, is involved in the disagreement and wants to see who is acting in good faith. This will encourage the person you’re having a dispute with to be more cooperative to save face.

The key is to be genuine about looking for agreement and have a sincere tone when stating your approach. Once the potential fight has been quelled, you can work together to reach the best possible agreement.

Learning how to prevent heated arguments can strengthen the relationship with the person you disagree with. Resolving a conflict together makes their relationship stronger and more enduring. So, a conflict can be a gift that you can use to skillfully bring yourself closer to someone. The key is to focus on the areas of agreement and to be sincere so you can resolve the issue together without leaving any lingering resentment.

SamTastic Weekly Tip: 1/6/25 - Learn from others.

This week’s tip: Learn from others.

Take a look at Six Simple Leadership Lessons designed for business executives, below.  How many apply to your work as a school leader?

Credit: the CEO Accelerator, Eric Partaker

All six apply, right?  SAM teams take advantage of good leadership practices from education, business, psychology and journalists.

Journalists from the New York Times covering health and wellness suggest doing one of ten things will improve your performance as a leader.  Ready for a New Year’s Resolution?  Maybe one of the ten would be a good fit.  See the list, below.

10 Ways to Keep Your Mind Healthy in 2025

By Christina Caron and Dana G. Smith

Are you feeling mentally ready for 2025?

Whatever your answer, there are some tried-and-true habits to help you feel sharp, alive and well in the coming year — and they’re easy to practice.

As journalists who cover the mind and brain, we are continually asking experts about the behaviors, conditions and outlooks that influence mental and cognitive health. The tips listed here — some of our favorites from the past year — aren’t meant to ensure you’ll be upbeat and performing at your best 24/7 (frankly, that just isn’t realistic), but they can help you build resilience, find balance and prioritize the things that you hold most dear.

1. Move your body.

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it 1,000 times: Physical activity is one of the best things you can do for your brain.

Immediately after a workout, people tend to report feeling better emotionally, and their performance on tests of working memory and other cognitive functions improves. But the real benefits come from exercising consistently over time: People who do have a lower risk of developing depression and dementia.

How can exercise do all this? Scientists think that moving your body leads to extra blood flow and chemicals released in the brain, which can help build new connections between neurons. In both depression and dementia, many of these connections are lost, so a beefed-up brain can serve as a buffer against impairment.

2. Address your anxiety.

Survey after survey shows that many Americans are anxious. If you can relate, there are ways to manage your tendency to worry:

Confront your fears. Research suggests that directly facing the things that make us anxious can help break a pattern of fear and avoidance. You can do this with a therapist — a process clinicians call exposure therapy — or you can do it on your own.

Focus on your values (instead of your anxiety). Think about the personal traits that you admire, then do something meaningful to embody them. For example, if being generous is important to you, consider volunteering in your community.

Try not to catastrophize. Ask yourself: Was the amount of worry I devoted to a particular problem worth it? How did I navigate my worries and what was the most important thing I learned? Write down your observations so that you can refer back to them if excessive worry or dread resurface.

Editors’ Picks

3. Challenge your brain.

It’s still up for debate whether crossword puzzles and brain training games can actually make you smarter or meaningfully lower your risk for dementia. But experts say they can’t hurt. The same goes for other cognitively stimulating activities, like playing board games, reading books or newspapers, or learning another language. If something is mentally challenging, “chances are that’s probably pretty good for your brain,” said Lesley Ross, a professor of psychology at Clemson University.

4. Get a good night’s sleep.

Americans are chronically sleep deprived: One-third of adults say they get less than seven hours a night. And when people have trouble sleeping, it can affect how they experience stress and negative emotions. They might also be more likely to ruminate, be quicker to anger, have more negative thoughts or find it harder to cope with stress.

5. Get unstuck.

We all occasionally feel stuck at work or in our relationships, but there are small things you can do to jump-start your life:

Try a ‘friction audit’. Identify the things that create obstacles and add complications or stress to your everyday and try to trim them away. To get started, ask: Am I repeating certain patterns that are unhelpful? Are there things I do regularly that I don’t enjoy? Try ‘futurecasting’. Think about what it would look like to be “unstuck.” Then think about the specific steps that would help you work toward that vision. Write down those steps — ideally by hand — and try to do at least one step each day.

6. Stay cool.

Summer may feel like a long way off, but keep in mind that when temperatures do rise, heat can dramatically affect the brain. Studies show that hot days impair our cognition and make us more aggressive, irritable and impulsive.“Your tendency to act without thinking, or not be able to stop yourself from acting a certain way” appears to be affected by heat, said Kimberly Meidenbauer, an assistant professor of psychology at Washington State University.

7. Quiet your inner critic.

If you often feel as though you never quite measure up, then it might be time to accept what’s “good enough.” Experts suggest letting go of that nagging feeling that you could or should have done more. Instead, give yourself credit for what you accomplish each day. Distancing yourself from your thoughts is also useful. Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, has found that when people use the word “you” or their own name in internal dialogue instead of saying “I,” it feels more constructive and positive. So instead of saying: “I cannot believe I made that mistake. It was so stupid of me,” consider saying this: “You made a mistake. But your mistake is something that has happened to a lot of other people, too, and you won’t feel badly about it forever.”

8. Take care of your physical health.

We know that our brain and body are connected, but it’s easy to forget just how much one can influence the other. Researchers at the Massachusetts General Hospital McCance Center for Brain Health have driven home how important physical health is for mental and cognitive well-being using a unique format: a quiz that estimates people’s risk for dementia, depression and stroke. (You can take The New York Times’ version here.)

The majority of the questions ask about common health metrics (such as blood pressure and cholesterol) and behaviors (including exercise and nutrition), illustrating the fact that the healthier your body is, the healthier your mind is. And if your score isn’t as high as you would like, it’s never too late to make a change.

9. Make a new friend.

Feeling lonely and isolated can harm our mental health, and it may change our brains, too. In fact, there’s a growing body of research showing a link between loneliness and Alzheimer’s disease. Experts think that may be because loneliness triggers the body’s stress response, which increases inflammation. Over time, chronic stress and inflammation can damage brain cells and the connections between them, which can contribute to dementia.

To combat loneliness, reach out to a friend or family member — even a short phone call can have a powerful benefit. If you want to make new friends, joining a club or support group is a good place to start. Look for ones that tap into a shared identity, like for widows or new moms, advised Dr. Ellen Lee, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego; that can give you something immediate to connect over.

10. Forgive — or don’t!

Much has been written about why forgiveness is good for us. But therapists, writers and scholars are questioning the conventional wisdom that it’s always the best route. In the book “You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms,” which is coming out in February, the trauma therapist and author Amanda Gregory defines forgiveness as an emotional process rather than an endpoint. The process may help you experience fewer negative emotions or thoughts about the person who wronged you. But it doesn’t mean you have to like the person. “You can forgive someone and have nothing to do with them,” she said.

And, she added, if you prefer not to forgive or you aren’t ready, then that’s OK too.

SamTastic Weekly Tip: 12/23/24 - Be a leader people want to follow.

This week’s tip: Be a leader people want to follow.

A staff member stops you in the hall and asks for a minute to talk with you.  What you say shows what you value.  Look at the two responses below.

1. “I am sorry.  I have an appointment.  I’ll get back to you later.”

2. “You are more important than a moment of my time.  What do you need?”

The first response makes the person feel dismissed.  The second makes the person feel valued.

The second response does not need to take more time.  It allows you, the leader, to hear what the issue is and then decide how to help one of three ways:

1. A First Responder can help you faster.  Please see Joyce, the counselor.  Let me know if want to talk with me after.

2. This issue deserves more of my focus and time than a minute in the hallway.  Please see my SAM to schedule.

3. Change your plan.

Why would you change your plan?  Well, if a teacher told you their spouse was in a car accident and on the way to the hospital, wouldn’t your best move be to cover the class and get the teacher safely to the hospital?  Your TimeTrack plan is just that.  Your plan.  What you do will change sometimes…and should, when the issue is truly urgent.

The purpose of the SAM Communications Protocol is to triage issues, or interruptions.  In medicine, triage means to “conduct a preliminary assessment of patients or casualties in order to determine the urgency of their need for treatment and the nature of treatment required.”  A good SAM principal never says no.  Instead, the SAM principal expresses interest and concern and then triages the issues.

Language makes a difference.  Developing a habit of expressing interest, and asking questions, can go far beyond the First Responder system.

Here’ are a few phrases you might try:

• Would you be interesting in trying something new?

• Would you try a different approach if it might improve your relationship with a student?

• If you were going to try this, what would it look like?

• How would you feel if you were the student?

• Would you try this if we did it together?

• If you were going to try this, which of these three options would appeal?

• If/then phrasing as a support rather than a threat:  If you try this, I promise I will support you whether it works, or not.

• Don’t worry.  We can fix this.  Frequently, the leader can greatly reduce the stress by expressing confidence in others.  This too, shall pass.  We can handle it, together.

• I am proud of you for facing this issue.

Keep in mind, managing a conversation in a positive way requires you to ask more questions than sharing thoughts or making statements.   It is important to remember this simple truth:  The person who controls a conversation is the one asking the most questions.  If you match this behavior with sincere care and empathy, you will be a leader others will want to follow.

I hope you have a wonderful and restful Christmas and a very happy New Year.  We are excited about the annual National SAM Conference.  Friday was “assembly day”. 

It actually took us two days this year to assemble to the attendee bags with padfolios, agendas, maps and a surprise tech gift.  Take a look at the entry to our offices.  What you are seeing are half of the attendee materials ready for loading in a trailer and truck that Carol and I will drive to Miami the week before the conference…along with 3,000 books, stage pieces and tech equipment. Fun!

If you are coming this year, you will receive several emails over Christmas vacation/winter break.  If not, consider attending next year and look for the HD videos of the keynote sessions, Use this link to see the final agenda for the conference this year:  https://bit.ly/3ZSp6Vk